Goon
Year: 2011
Genre: Comedy/Sport
Runtime: 92mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 6.9/10 (33,200+ votes)
Director(s): Michael Dowse
Writer(s): Jay Baruchel & Evan Goldberg (screenplay)
Plot/Synopsis:
Labeled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of under performing misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way.
Forethought(s):
Decent looking cast,writers are unknown to me as far as writing goes but the plot is intriguing;sounds like an adult version of The Mighty Ducks.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The movie is based off of the book “Goon:The True Story of an Unlikely Jourent into Minor League Hockey” by Adam Frattasio and Doug Smith.
Stars of the movie: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel and Alison Pill
The Breakdown:
This is not going to be a long review because this isn’t a movie you write about. It’s a movie you just watch. It’s very middle of the road. There’s some good things and some bad things but nothing to extreme on either end.
The best thing about the movie is the writing,more specific the immature and often times dirty dialogue. It’s not so foul that it’ll make a sailor blush but it’s enough to warrant this movie getting an R rating.
There’s a fair amount of fighting but not the action movie kind. Just the type you know from Hockey. There’s lot of sexual talk in the form of trash talking. There’s one really sweet moment and some actual Hockey being played.
The acting is solid all around but Seann William Scott is a bit awkward in this movie and it’s due to how the character is written. And if you want to see him play a role that isn’t much like Stifler at all,well then, you should watch this movie.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Eva:You make me want to stop fucking other guys.
Doug:That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The Verdict:
Will people who don’t like Hockey like this movie? Maybe. I don’t like hockey and I liked this movie. It was simple and humorous. A movie you can just turn your mind off with. Everyone needs that once and while.
I give this movie 3 pucks out of 5
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Now before anyone bitches and moans,yes,I know that not all these films are Troma in house but they were bought by Troma so they are Troma.
Mother’s Day (1980)
Plot: Three long time friends decide to go on vacation to celebrate their tenth class reunion but their days of happiness end when a vicious psychopath who goads her boys into acts of rape and murder set their sights on the vacationers.
Why it’s a must see: It’s dark;it’s what a horror movie should be. There are scenes that will make you feel dirty. It has some interesting kills. A good amount of titties and a creepy old lady who orders he sons to kill and rape. Really messed up.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
Plot: When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren’t the only ones crying fowl! The previous tenants, fueled by a supernatural force, take “possession” of the food and those who eat it.
Why it’s a must see: It’s very much like a zombie movie if the zombies where six foot tall human supernatural chicken hybrids. It’s not scary in the least but there is a good amount of blood and gore. If you ever wondered what kind of deaths could happen in a fast food joint wonder no more since they show them here. Also boobies.
Terror Firmer (1999)
Plot: A homicidal maniac is on the loose in the city and the low budget film crew on a Troma movie have the power to stop them.
Why it’s a must see: The camp that Troma is known for flows freely in this movie. I’ll let the trailer speak for the movie. I will say that there are breast shots along with man ass and penis.
Killer Condom (1996)
Plot:New York and in the present at a Hotel called “Quicky”, a professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him but when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.
Why it’s a must see: This is a German horror/comedy/romance movie,so,you know it’s all types of messed up in that weird way that just works for original flicks. You will be laughing your ass off at the effects and design of the condom but will worry the next time you glove up!
Beware! Children at Play (1989)
Plot: The inhabitants of a small rural town whose children are disappearing at an alarming rate and whose adults are simultaneously being killed in a ritualistic fashion.
Why it’s a must see: For the fact that this is one of Troma’s most controversial titles due to the over the top finale that people call gruesome,horrendous,monstrous and just plain sick. I won’t give away the ending but even if you don’t want to see this movie I really do recommend that you try and find a clip of the end online.
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Truth or Dare
Year: 2012
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Runtime: 95mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 5.5/10 (1,400+ Votes)
Director(s): Robert Heath
Writer(s): Matthew McGuchan
Plot/Synopsis:
Young British boys and girls travel to an isolated cabin after being promised a night of heavy partying. Instead of the fun they hoped for, they meet a killer out to reap vengeance on them for the death of his brother.
Forethought(s):
I have absolutely no thoughts on this one.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
According to IMDB, London is the backdrop in 11k+ project.
Stars of the movie: Liam Boyle,Elana Di Troya and Jack Gordon
The Breakdown:
This is yet another one of those horror movies that aren’t true horror movies. To me this is more of a crime thriller with a focus on revenge. Sure there are some kills in the movie but nothing that really scream horror. And there aren’t many kills at all. Four that we see and two that we don’t. I’m sure a lot of you are saying “shit that’s a lot of kills!” And for a none horror/war/action flick you would be right but for a horror movie you need numbers and varied ways of killing and this movie just doesn’t have that.
What this movie has is a lot of queer,fag,gay and homo tossed around like nickels on the street. And when all is revealed,one can’t but think that this movie was saying that it’s wrong and you will bring shame to your house if you’re not straight.
Technically speaking this movie is very well made. Great use of music to build suspense over time and then going silent when they want you to focus on the dialogue and action in the scene. The casting was well done. You felt that the ass of the movie is very much as ass in real life and the same can be said for the bitch,the shy one and the nice one. The cam work was nice and sturdy with no awkward close ups. Also there was a few nice establishing shots.
As far as story goes it’s just meh. I know that doesn’t really say much but really there isn’t much of a story.
Yeah,you know why I picked this pic.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
None.
The Verdict:
Very middle of the road in a lot of aspects and by no means a true horror movie,however,it is a well made movie. Not gory,no nudity,and not very original.
I give this movie 3 whatevs out of 5.
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Silent House
Year: 2011
Genre: Drama/Horror/Thiller
Runtime: 86mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 5.1/10 (7,600+ Votes)
Director(s): Chris Kentis and Laura Lau
Writer(s): Guestavo Hernadadez (La casa muda) and Laura Lau (screenplay)
Plot/Synopsis:
Trapped inside her family’s lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house.
Forethought(s):
A remake of a Spanish horror movie from 2010….Hollywood is just getting more and more lazy. Even with that it looks half way decent.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Shot in about 10 minute segments to hide the cuts so it would mimic one continuous take
Stars of the movie: Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese and Eric Sheffer
The Breakdown:
Hmmmmm,well,it’s a movie. If you’re astute enough you will pick up all the clues the writers left and honestly you really should be able to unless you’re not paying attention and really,I think that’s easy to do during this movie.
To say this movie is boring is to say Ron Jeremy has an above average sized penis. I was looking over at the clock way to much during the movie and as you know that’s a sing of a dull flick.
What’s worse than a dull flick? A dull flick whit camera work like this one. I’m not sure if the person working the cam(s?) was on his or her 12th Red Bull or detoxing but I’ve seen more stable cam work from Michel J. Fox after a weekend bender. Sonic the Hedgehog would have issues with how much the camera moved. I understand not using a steady cam for some scenes in movies when you want to convey chaos or inter turmoil but to not use it for almost 90 minutes is just inexcusable. 
The movie did have a few things going for it. One, was Elizabeth Olsen;she can act real well. At times I could swear she was down right terrified. Elizabeth Olsen’s breast but sadly they never pop out of her shirt. She wears a tank top and what I’m guessing most chicks would call a faulty bra but us men call it great. Those things just bounced around like mad she was bending over a lot so we got some nice views. Three and lastly,the light work. They use a lot of flash lights and lanterns for lighting and in a movie like this it just works.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Sarah:What, you don’t want to play with me now?
The Verdict:
Pass on this one. My eyes want to jump out of my head and bitch slap me for putting them through this bumpy ride.
I give this movie 2.5 persons out of 5.
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Chernobyl Diaries
Year: 2012
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 86mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 5.1/10 (14,100+ users)
Director(s): Bradley Parker
Writer(s): Oren Peli, Carey Van Dyke & Shane Van Dyke
Plot/Synopsis:
Six tourists hire an extreme tour guide who takes them to the abandoned city Pripyat, the former home to the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. During their exploration, they soon discover they are not alone.
Forethought(s):
I don’t really know much about this movie. I think it’s a zombie movie but may be just a monster movie.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
There is nothing fun about the the following fact. In April of 1986 the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant released large quantities of contamination into the atmosphere making it 1 of only 2 level 7 accidents. The land won’t be safe to live in for about many more lifetimes, some say 180-320 years while others are saying 1000s of years.
Stars of the movie: Jesse McCartheny,Jonathan Sadowskil and Olivia Dudley.
The Breakdown:
I’m trying rally hard to figure out why this is called a horror movie;I do see elements of horror but not enough to call this a horror flick. I think this one should be classified as a suspense thriller. Yeah,there’s more suspense than there is horror.
So what are some of the horror elements? An eerie quite just before something happens and the LOUD SOUNDS. Beyond that maybe some of the music but not much. There’s a little blood but I’ve seen more in an episode of Rookie Blue so that doesn’t really count.
Let me save a bunch of you 86 minutes of your life. This is not a monster movie,this is not a zombie movie,this is the humans are mutated due to radiation and seem to be super strong,super fast and super crazy type of movie. I think I would have found the movie more entertaining if we actually saw the humans for more than just a few seconds at a time,if that. We also don’t see any killings so that’s another reason why it’s not really a horror flick.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Something about dick sucking a midget on horseback… OK that’s a lie. There is no best line in this flick. In fact most of the dialogue is forgettable.
The Verdict:
I watched this movie just mere hours ago and I’m having a hard time finding anything to say about it. That should be an indicator.
I give this movie 3 time wasters out of 5.
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Paranormal Activity 3
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 83mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 6.0/10 (39,000+ Votes)
Director(s): Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman
Writer(s): Christoper Landon
Plot/Synopsis:
In 1988, young sisters Katie and Kristi befriend an invisible entity who resides in their home.
Forethought(s):
A lot of the same stuff from parts one and two.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Had a budget of 5 million dollars and made 52 million on it’s opening weekend.
Stars of the movie: Chole Csengery, Jessica Tyler Brown and Christoper Nicholas Smith
The Breakdown:
If you don’t know by now what the Paranormal series is about then you’ve been living under a rock and have been missing out one some truly genuine scares and creepynes.
What I love about this series and this movie more to the point is just how many times I get/got scared and jump back a bit when watching. Normally,I just get a little startled when watching a well made horror movie but with this series I actually get creeped out and scared at times. I could count on the one hand how many times a well done horror movie scares/creeps me out,where as this one I need extra digits.
By now you’re probably calling bullshit and labeling me a pussy who gets scared when ladies are around. And to you sirs or madams I say, NAY! The reason why this movie is scary isn’t for what they show but for what they don’t show. This is a prime example of less is more. Take almost any modern horror movie and it will learn towards the super loud unexpected sounds and blood & gore to get your blood going. This movie does away with the blood and gore all together and only uses loud unexpected noises occasionally. Instead it relies on very little sound in a lot of scenes or very subtle sounds like the creaking of a floor or the squeal of a door. Don’t get me wrong,there is in fact from time to time,loud noises but they’re expected and yet somehow still mange to make you want to check your pants. The reason for this is that the movie is always and I do mean always building suspense and atmosphere with audio cues that get under your skin and when you least expect the expected loudness not a thing happens and this occurs several times throughout the movie and it only makes the times they do use loud sounds all the more impactful.
Now for the story. The story is about the two sisters from the first two movies when they were younger and how the demon (Toby) has always been around them and why. Like normal with the series not much info is giving to us about the whys and the who’s but it does shed some light on the reason why it’s happening,just not a lot. Normally I would be pissed off about that but it really works for this series and always makes me want to come back for more. Again it’s the less is more theory in work.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Dennis: When is your mom going to let us sleep in the same bed.
The Verdict:
An excellent example of less is more and that you don’t need a massive budget to get scares out of people. The movie really will get your heart going and will creep you out. I don’t recommend watching this at night if you’re faint of heart or your ass is not getting any sleep. I had one issue and it’s not worth mentioning at all. This is as close to be a perfect horror movie as it gets.
I give this 5 floating females out of 5.
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Mask Maker
Year: 2010
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 4.7/10 (800+ Votes)
Director(s): Griff Furst
Writer(s): Eric Miller,Jack Kennedy and Griff Furst
Plot/Synopsis:
When a young deformed boy witnesses his mothers death, he comes back to take revenge on anyone who dares enter his property.
Forethought(s):
Hmmmm,WHAT THE FUCK!?
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Filmed in Louisiana
Stars of the movie: Nikki Deloach,Stephen Colletti and Anabella Casanova
The Breakdown:
TTT (Time To Titty)=48mins.
TTK (Time To Kill)= Around 22mins by a screwdriver through the eye.
This movie would have been good if they explained just how the deformed one came back,sure,they said Voodoo was involved but that doesn’t explain shit. All that says to me is that the writers were lazy. I know this is a horror movie and story isn’t always top notch,however,when I get a horror flick with flushed out characters and story I tend to enjoy it so much more and I also tend to look for other work(s) by the writer(s). 
One of the things I really liked about the film was that every time I began to get bored of the movie they would tell a bit of creepy history of the house or show a death or even show some titty. The movie also uses eerie music a lot and that makes you think that something is going to happen soon so you get a bit perky and hope for a kill but it didn’t always play out that way. The music itself was very much character in its own right.
The best thing about the movie that it was just a simple horror movie with almost no gimmicks at all. The kills were simple and straight to the point. No fancy slicing and dicing in this one folks;just good ole axes to the neck and some pitchfork action going on. Now that doesn’t mean there wasn’t any gore because there was,just not what some modern horror heads are use to. We get some decapitations and some skinning and that’s about it.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
None. 
The Verdict:
While not drenched in story the movie does shed some light on why the deformed one would be seeking revenge but at the same time I’m not sure the deformed one is the same person due to inadequate set up both on the writers part and the directors’ part. Some light gore and light nudity really helped this movie out. It’s far from the worst flick I’ve seen but it’s not something that’s really going to stick with you long after watching it. If you like horror I say give this a shot but only if you can find it on the cheap.
I give this movie 3 Leatherfaces out of 5.
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The Cabin In The Woods
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Runtime: 95mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 7.3/10 (91,000+ Votes)
Director(s): Drew Goddard
Writer(s): Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard
Plot/Synopsis:
Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.
Forethought(s):
I like the way Whedon writes and he did do Buffy and Angel so I’m guessing there’s going be that vibe to the movie and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The studio wanted to convert the movie to 3D but Whedon and Goddard both had objections so the plans were eventually canned.
Stars of the movie: Kristen Connolly,Chris Hemsworth,Anna Hutchison.Fran Kranz and Jesse Williams
The Breakdown:
TTT(Time to fist titty)=41mins and 2x seconds.
TTK(Time to first kill)=13mins in and it was a hawk by an invisible fence but the first first kill comes at 43minutes-ish. The kill sequence comes in just after the toplessness.
Do I start by comparing this movie to Battle Royal,Scooby-Doo or Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show. You know what? It’s actually all those rolled into one. It’s B.R in the sense that it’s a type of game and by killing people the world is saved(I know it’s not just like BR). It’s like Scooby with the group they have. There’s a Velma,Daphne,Shaggy,Fred and a male Velma. It’s like Buffy due to the writing. In fact I really think this (the movie) is a left over idea from the show that Whedon couldn’t do since it was so adult. 
There’s a few things I did not like about this movie but they weren’t massive issues. One was just how long it takes to become a horror movie. I would say it took about 37 minutes to become horror-ish. The first 36 were definitely a normal drama type of movie but then the eerieness sets in and then some tits and a kill. Can’t get much more horror than that. After all that the movie is total horror but not all slash,stab behead type of way…..but there is a beheading. My second issue was the lighting. Some of the scenes were just way to dark. I understand that lack of light can enhance the mood but so can using light. I tend to get creeped out more with things that can be seen than those that can not. Finally is the teasing of all types of monsters. The main bad in this movie is a family of zombies,however,late in the film we find out that there are TONS of other monsters that could have been used but won’t and the way we find this out is that they’re put on showcase and then used to kill people near the end of the movie. Some of the monsters that are used but not long enough are:Mermen,huge Man-Bat like thing,a Pinhead-esq creature who I deemed BladeHead,a killer clown and the list goes on and on.
One type of monster
There’s a lot I liked about this film. One of them is oddly enough one of the things I didn’t like about the film,the lack of monster use. Sure I didn’t like the amount of time that the other monsters were given but I did love the range of monsters they showed off. I also really enjoyed the acting/casting. They got the right looking actors for the roles they have. The writing was another thing I really liked,it really was like watching Buff the Vampire Slayer TV show all over again,just without all the pop culture references.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Marty:Ok, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand. Do NOT read the Latin!
The Verdict:
This movie hits the g-spot for so many types of fans it’s crazy. I think if you can find this fun,original-ish modern throw back of a horror flick then by all means pick it up. This is a must own for horror heads without a doubt.
I give this movie 4 as ifs out of 5.
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Devil’s Playground
Year: 2010
Genre: Action/Horror
Runtime: 93mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 5.1/10 (2500+ Votes)
Director(s): Mark McQueen
Writer(s): Bart Ruspoli
Plot/Synopsis:
As the world succumbs to a zombie apocalypse, Cole a hardened mercenary, is chasing the one person who can provide a cure.
Forethought(s):
A U.K zombie flick,O.K,this should be somewhat interesting.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
MyAnna Buring was born in Sweden but grew up in the Middle East.
Stars of the movie: MyAnna Buring,Graig Fairbras,Danny Dyer,Lisa McAllister and Jaime Murray
The Breakdown:
This is a zombie movie. I know a lot of you will be bitching and moaning that this is not but that’s only because you don’t know the definition of zombie. There’s a good amount of definitions but the one that really matters is this one: A person who is or appears to be lifeless,apathetic or totally lacking in independent judgment. I’ll give you all that this is not a tried and true zombie flick but it is a Virus Zombie flick. A VZ is a sub-genre in the zombie field where the zombies are made from a virus/cure for something else.
The movie starts off by showing us the test subjects of an experimental drug that makes your balls less hairy or something. As they show the patients they stop on one chick and wouldn’t you know that she plays some kind of major role for stopping the outbreak. As some time passes we find out that the drug has a side effect of turning you into a frailing zombie! 99.99% of people who tested the drug are now zombies with only on thing on their dead minds,FOOD! Who could that .01% who didn’t zombifi be? Yeap,you guessed it,the chick patient who was given the most screen-time during the experimental drug sequence.
After the brains of the experiment figure out that some shit is going down and that only one person is clean,they send their head of security to capture this lady and bring her back so they can find a way to fix the deadness that’s spreading at an alarming rate. Oh and the this security dude is infected with the virus but has six injections that will stop the spread of the virus for about 18 hours. I actually really liked the fact that he was infected and could turn but you knew that he wouldn’t since he had six injections that would last almost a full day. Wish the injections were gone so it gave a sense of danger to the group that he soon joins up with.
So the group that not only the security guy is with but the “cure” as well is composed of your typical zombie fare people:two outsiders who are only thinking of themselves,the cure with her boyfriend and best friend along with her best friend. While this movie didn’t really make you like or dislike anyone in the group it was a nice change of pace to see pretty much everyone knew the other person some how.
It's so vainy.
Normal zombie movie stuff happens,like: running from zombies,getting stabbed in the back by the two that are looking out only for themselves,your loved one(s) making the ultimate sacrifice,a 180 by the hired gun and finally the escape.
What really makes this movie different from the 1000′s of other zombie flicks is that the zombies are more Ragers and less Romeros a.k.a Walkers but take it to the next level by making them free-runners. These are some of the most athletic zombies I’ve ever seen. They’re doing flips,jumping over cars,diving through windows all the while getting shot and beaten with blunt objects. I should mention that the backdrop is London and it’s always nice to see a city that isn’t what you’re use to seeing being used for the setting.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
None.
The Verdict:
The movie is fairly well made but the audio is off and I had to turn my volume way up so do not watch this at night if you live with people or in an apartment building. As for a zombie movie it’s not bad. It has some refreshing takes on things but doesn’t add anything new. If you’re a zombie fan and are looking for something slightly different,I say give this one a try.
I give this movie 3 dead heads out of 5.
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Mother’s Day
Year: 2010
Genre: Crime/Drama/Horror
Runtime: 112mins
Rating:R
IMDB Score: 6.2/10 (4,100+ Votes)
Director(s): Darren Lynn Bousman
Writer(s): Scott Milam (screenplay 2010), Charles Kaufman and Warren Leight (screenplay 1982 Mother’s Day)
Plot/Synopsis:
The sadistic members of a villainous family return to their childhood home to terrorize the new home owners and their guests.
Forethought(s):
I’m worried. This is a remake of a Troma movie and as you know I do not like remakes on principal alone,however,it’s directed by the dude who has done some of the Saw movies (2,3 and 4) so there’s a chance it won’t be crap.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The Wichita Massacre of 2000 is the basis for this story.
Stars of the movie: Rebecca De Mornay,Jaime King,Shawn Ashmore and Deborah Ann Woll
The Breakdown:
TTFK(Time to First Kill)=2:22
TTFN(Time to First Nude)=None,but we get a chick in her bra and panties.
Is this like the original? Not really. Is it bad? Not really. Is it good? Not really. Will I enjoy it? Parts of it,sure. More so if you haven’t seen the original. Is it as vile as I’ve been reading online? FUCK NO! If you think this movie is vile then I’d have to say this is your first horror movie.
What’s the gore like? Almost non existent. There is one shot where you can see the after affect of a sawed off to a dudes head but it was a fast shot so you don’t get to see it in great detail and it was in the background so it’s a bit out of focus. The other gore shot would be a gun shot wound to the face. Other than that there’s one more shot of gore but I will let you find it for yourself and there’s an interesting torture technique that involves hot water. 
Was it scary? Not even close. It,at parts,however,were filled with tension due to the music that was used to enhance the volatile situation. There were a few parts where I wasn’t sure if someone was going to get killed or not and that doesn’t happen often with horror movies. The music was for the most part was used masterfully.
The directing was safe and that’s not something I come to expect from the man whose movies include some of the Saw series and one of my favorites Repo! The Genetic Opera. Don’t get me wrong it’s not bad;I just wish there were so more close ups on gore and more gore in general. Maybe some different camera angles so show the mental and emotional state of the characters since a big part of this movie is about the hostages and how they’re treated. 
Best line in the movie: Stop your whining and do what you know how to do! (That was said to Annette from Mom when she is forcing Annette to have sex with her son)
The Verdict:
This was a very sterilize version of Troma’s take but I understand why they went the safe route,however,I don’t understand why they didn’t push the limits a bit more since they have the director of some of the Saw movies. It’s not a bad horror movie,just not one that horror heads will love. If you’re new to the horror field you will most likely enjoy this as long as you like horror flicks. It’s worth a cheap buy.
I give this is 3 mothers out of 5.
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