Miami Connection
Year: 1987
Genre: Action/Crime
Runtime: 120mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 5.5/10 (220 votes)
Director(s): Y.K Kim and Woo-sang PArk
Writer(s): Joseph Diamand (screenplay), Y.K Kim & Woo-sang Park (stroy)
Plot/Synopsis:
A martial arts rock band goes up against a band of motorcycle ninjas who have tightened their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade.
Forethought(s):
80′s martial arts/action cheese with an over the top plot. Sign me up!
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The movie is also know as American Streetfigthers.
Stars of the movie: Y.K Kim,Vincent Hirsch and Joseph Diamand
The Breakdown:
This is hands down one of the greatest bad movies ever to grace film. At the start of the movie I really thought it was Tromas attempt at a none Troma movie with the cheese blood and bad gore. As the film progressed I knew it was just a bad flick,however,it’s one of those so bad it’s good things. There are plenty of logic holes that one could dive through, horrible A.R.D,acting that makes a lot of youtube vids look good and bouts of dialogue that will make you think THE ROOM is Shakespearean.
The worst part about this film isn’t any of the above mentioned issues but rather the lack of narrative progression and multi story-lines that don’t go anywhere. There are about handful of scenes that while are somewhat fun to watch they just should have been cut from the film in order to make it feel more polished. There’s a beach scene that felt out of place (it did have nice looking ladies) that did nothing and I mean NOTHING to progress the story at all. There was a biker scene (it had some of the most unpleasant looking ladies I’ve seen) that did not push the story forward at all and there was something that I’m guessing was sub plot that never really developed, it just felt forced in. There’s more scenes like the ones I just mentioned but I won’t go into those.
The movie opens up with typical looking 80′s drug dealers doing their thing when out of no where ninjas show up and start kicking,punching and slashing the shit out of everyone. Good start to a bad movie! Then the title sequence starts and we’re blessed with a montage of ninjas out of their gis riding some motorcycles whit flashes of the protagonist group who are Tae Kwon Do practitioners doing what Tae Kwon Do practitioners…..ALL WHLIE PLAYING IN THEIR BAND IN A CLUB to a song whose lyrics goes “..escape from Miami,escape with your life.”
Look at them, you can tell they got a lot of tail.
One of the funniest scenes is when some of the protagonists are training and the director or editor chose to use a fair amount of slow-mo. Slow-mo can be used to impart a sense of achievement or a sense of dread when used correctly but in this case it was used in such a way that I felt like I was watching a training vid. It could also be used for a what not to do segment since a lot of the punches and kicks were WAY OFF the mark.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Tom: [Tom checks out a bunch of chicks at the beach] They don’t make buns like that down at the bakery.
The Verdict:
At this point most of you have said “screw this movie, I’m not wasting my time on it.” and if all you like are blockbuster type of flicks,yeah, don’t waste your time,however,if you like movies that are corny, overacted,picks the wrong times to do slow-mo or some decent action sequences then you should give this movie a chance. It’s one of those flicks that you pop in on a Saturday afternoon with some friends toss back some beer or wine and enjoy the campiness of the film.
I know I highlighted a lot of things that would make it sound like I did not enjoy this movie but it’s quite the contrary. It’s because of all the fuck ups that make the movie enjoyable. It has a charm and innocents to it that you so rarely get. It’s not for everyone but if you’re the type of person who likes the type of stuff that use to get played on Billy Bobbs Drive In Theater then you should give this one a chance.
I give this movie 3 coked up martial artist out of 5.
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Now before anyone bitches and moans,yes,I know that not all these films are Troma in house but they were bought by Troma so they are Troma.
Mother’s Day (1980)
Plot: Three long time friends decide to go on vacation to celebrate their tenth class reunion but their days of happiness end when a vicious psychopath who goads her boys into acts of rape and murder set their sights on the vacationers.
Why it’s a must see: It’s dark;it’s what a horror movie should be. There are scenes that will make you feel dirty. It has some interesting kills. A good amount of titties and a creepy old lady who orders he sons to kill and rape. Really messed up.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
Plot: When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren’t the only ones crying fowl! The previous tenants, fueled by a supernatural force, take “possession” of the food and those who eat it.
Why it’s a must see: It’s very much like a zombie movie if the zombies where six foot tall human supernatural chicken hybrids. It’s not scary in the least but there is a good amount of blood and gore. If you ever wondered what kind of deaths could happen in a fast food joint wonder no more since they show them here. Also boobies.
Terror Firmer (1999)
Plot: A homicidal maniac is on the loose in the city and the low budget film crew on a Troma movie have the power to stop them.
Why it’s a must see: The camp that Troma is known for flows freely in this movie. I’ll let the trailer speak for the movie. I will say that there are breast shots along with man ass and penis.
Killer Condom (1996)
Plot:New York and in the present at a Hotel called “Quicky”, a professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him but when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.
Why it’s a must see: This is a German horror/comedy/romance movie,so,you know it’s all types of messed up in that weird way that just works for original flicks. You will be laughing your ass off at the effects and design of the condom but will worry the next time you glove up!
Beware! Children at Play (1989)
Plot: The inhabitants of a small rural town whose children are disappearing at an alarming rate and whose adults are simultaneously being killed in a ritualistic fashion.
Why it’s a must see: For the fact that this is one of Troma’s most controversial titles due to the over the top finale that people call gruesome,horrendous,monstrous and just plain sick. I won’t give away the ending but even if you don’t want to see this movie I really do recommend that you try and find a clip of the end online.
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Wrong Turn 5:Bloodlines
Year: 2012
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.1/10 (1,400+ votes)
Director(s): Declan O’Brien
Writer(s): Declan O’Brien
Plot/Synopsis:
A small mining town hosts the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where crowds of costumed party-goers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But a killer celebration soon gives way to a blood-soaked feeding frenzy when an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students who are just dying for a good time
Forethought(s):
I’m expecting a fair amount of blood,guts and boobs. Not really expecting a great story or excellent acting.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Doug Bradley is both near and far sighted.
Stars of the movie: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson and Simon Ginty
Sawtooth
The Breakdown:
TTFK (Time To First Kill)= Close to six minutes.
TTT (Time To Titty)= 57 seconds.
Does the fifth part in the series bring anything new to the game? Why yes it does. New and neater killers than the last one and it has Doug Bradley as the the hillbillies father. After that it’s pretty much the same.
What are some of these neat deaths you speak of Buck? Well my Buckaroos,the kills range from simple stabbings to cooking a man alive via a makeshift steam-horse. Stabbings are neat to you Buck? They are when the Hillbillies feed you your insides. I really hope the person they fed the insides to like liver! If those aren’t neat enough about a trap that when someone opens a door an old small farming scythe rips you open from your belly button to your chest? One kill was so over the top that it looked like a persons heart was tossed out of them from their legs. Trust me you got to see that kill to believe it. The blood and there is fair amounts of it seemed to be tossed by hand using cups. It just has that feel to it and it works very well.
The dialogue in this movie was very fun and that’s due to the fact that a lot Doug Bradely’s lines are very reminiscent of those from the Hellrasier series. He even calls the Hillbillies pinheads. Other than that it’s your basic horror fare. A bunch of “Why are you doing this?” and “You’re all dead.”
The acting for the most part was god awful,hell,even Bradley slipped a few times. I was really wishing that certain characters would die first because of how bad of a job the actors were doing.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Half of whatever Doug Bradley said.
The Verdict:
A nice blood bath but with characters you just don’t care much for makes the movie at times is hard to watch but when the kills happen you’re happy you stuck it out.
I give this movie 3.5 gallons of blood out of 5.
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Mask Maker
Year: 2010
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 4.7/10 (800+ Votes)
Director(s): Griff Furst
Writer(s): Eric Miller,Jack Kennedy and Griff Furst
Plot/Synopsis:
When a young deformed boy witnesses his mothers death, he comes back to take revenge on anyone who dares enter his property.
Forethought(s):
Hmmmm,WHAT THE FUCK!?
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Filmed in Louisiana
Stars of the movie: Nikki Deloach,Stephen Colletti and Anabella Casanova
The Breakdown:
TTT (Time To Titty)=48mins.
TTK (Time To Kill)= Around 22mins by a screwdriver through the eye.
This movie would have been good if they explained just how the deformed one came back,sure,they said Voodoo was involved but that doesn’t explain shit. All that says to me is that the writers were lazy. I know this is a horror movie and story isn’t always top notch,however,when I get a horror flick with flushed out characters and story I tend to enjoy it so much more and I also tend to look for other work(s) by the writer(s). 
One of the things I really liked about the film was that every time I began to get bored of the movie they would tell a bit of creepy history of the house or show a death or even show some titty. The movie also uses eerie music a lot and that makes you think that something is going to happen soon so you get a bit perky and hope for a kill but it didn’t always play out that way. The music itself was very much character in its own right.
The best thing about the movie that it was just a simple horror movie with almost no gimmicks at all. The kills were simple and straight to the point. No fancy slicing and dicing in this one folks;just good ole axes to the neck and some pitchfork action going on. Now that doesn’t mean there wasn’t any gore because there was,just not what some modern horror heads are use to. We get some decapitations and some skinning and that’s about it.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
None. 
The Verdict:
While not drenched in story the movie does shed some light on why the deformed one would be seeking revenge but at the same time I’m not sure the deformed one is the same person due to inadequate set up both on the writers part and the directors’ part. Some light gore and light nudity really helped this movie out. It’s far from the worst flick I’ve seen but it’s not something that’s really going to stick with you long after watching it. If you like horror I say give this a shot but only if you can find it on the cheap.
I give this movie 3 Leatherfaces out of 5.
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The Cabin In The Woods
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Runtime: 95mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 7.3/10 (91,000+ Votes)
Director(s): Drew Goddard
Writer(s): Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard
Plot/Synopsis:
Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.
Forethought(s):
I like the way Whedon writes and he did do Buffy and Angel so I’m guessing there’s going be that vibe to the movie and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The studio wanted to convert the movie to 3D but Whedon and Goddard both had objections so the plans were eventually canned.
Stars of the movie: Kristen Connolly,Chris Hemsworth,Anna Hutchison.Fran Kranz and Jesse Williams
The Breakdown:
TTT(Time to fist titty)=41mins and 2x seconds.
TTK(Time to first kill)=13mins in and it was a hawk by an invisible fence but the first first kill comes at 43minutes-ish. The kill sequence comes in just after the toplessness.
Do I start by comparing this movie to Battle Royal,Scooby-Doo or Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show. You know what? It’s actually all those rolled into one. It’s B.R in the sense that it’s a type of game and by killing people the world is saved(I know it’s not just like BR). It’s like Scooby with the group they have. There’s a Velma,Daphne,Shaggy,Fred and a male Velma. It’s like Buffy due to the writing. In fact I really think this (the movie) is a left over idea from the show that Whedon couldn’t do since it was so adult. 
There’s a few things I did not like about this movie but they weren’t massive issues. One was just how long it takes to become a horror movie. I would say it took about 37 minutes to become horror-ish. The first 36 were definitely a normal drama type of movie but then the eerieness sets in and then some tits and a kill. Can’t get much more horror than that. After all that the movie is total horror but not all slash,stab behead type of way…..but there is a beheading. My second issue was the lighting. Some of the scenes were just way to dark. I understand that lack of light can enhance the mood but so can using light. I tend to get creeped out more with things that can be seen than those that can not. Finally is the teasing of all types of monsters. The main bad in this movie is a family of zombies,however,late in the film we find out that there are TONS of other monsters that could have been used but won’t and the way we find this out is that they’re put on showcase and then used to kill people near the end of the movie. Some of the monsters that are used but not long enough are:Mermen,huge Man-Bat like thing,a Pinhead-esq creature who I deemed BladeHead,a killer clown and the list goes on and on.
One type of monster
There’s a lot I liked about this film. One of them is oddly enough one of the things I didn’t like about the film,the lack of monster use. Sure I didn’t like the amount of time that the other monsters were given but I did love the range of monsters they showed off. I also really enjoyed the acting/casting. They got the right looking actors for the roles they have. The writing was another thing I really liked,it really was like watching Buff the Vampire Slayer TV show all over again,just without all the pop culture references.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Marty:Ok, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand. Do NOT read the Latin!
The Verdict:
This movie hits the g-spot for so many types of fans it’s crazy. I think if you can find this fun,original-ish modern throw back of a horror flick then by all means pick it up. This is a must own for horror heads without a doubt.
I give this movie 4 as ifs out of 5.
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Open Graves
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Runtime: 88mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 4.1/10 (1,300+ Votes)
Director(s): Alvaro de Arminan
Writer(s): Roderick Taylor and Bruce A. Taylor
Plot/Synopsis:
A group of surfers discover an old board game that claims a life every time it’s played.
Forethought(s):
Not expecting a lot from this one. Looks really cheap and the actors aren’t all that wonderful. I’m hoping for lot of gore and nakedness to help with what I’m guessing is going to be a very dull movie.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The movie was shot in Spain in the span of two months.
Stars of the movie: Mike Vogel,Eliza Dushku and Ethan Rains
The Breakdown:
TTFT (Time To First Titty)= Less than a 90 seconds.
TTFD (Time To First Death)= 4:41. Already dead but visually gross. Later on in the movie we find out why the first death happened the way it did.
2nd death: around 24mins. A person falls from cliff side onto the rounded rocks of the beach below only to survive and be eaten by shitty cg crabs.
3rd death: around 38mins. Implied death, then the aftermath is shown a few moments later. Death by shitty cg snakes.
Best shot of the movie if you ask me.
4th death: around 51mins. A model suffers rapid cellular degeneration. We do not see the actual degeneration in the works which sucks. You know what we get instead? We see 60+ year old lady titties…..my dick still isn’t working.
5th death: around 58mins. Burned alive. We actually do see the chick set on fire and pass on.
6th death: around 72mins. Death by gun shots. Yes, that simple.
7th death: around the end (I forget to check the time stamp). We don’t actually see this death or even really the aftermath but the death is confirmed.
So, seven deaths in 88mins of movie is not bad by my standards. The deaths varied which was nice. I do wish that we actually saw all the life taking but I understand that there is a thing call a budget that people have to adhere to. I also know that CG work usually takes up a good chunk of the budget,yes,even when it’s this shitty,so not all the kills could be graphic or even on screen.
Another area that tends to suck the budget bills is sound engineering which this movie was golden in. Sometimes all you need to make up for a so-so movie is great sound engineering and this is a prime example of that. There’s a part when a person is hanging onto some barred wire and is slipping off slowing and as you horror heads know,a lot of lower budget horror flicks will skimp on the sound but not this movie,when the person is sliding off the wire not only do we hear skin being ripped off,we also hear the wire digging into the muscle and fat of the hand.
The story is a cross of Jamanji and Final Destination. I hate Final Destination but it works very well in this movie. What happens is there’s this board game that has GRAVE spaces and when you land on one of those you have to draw a card. Every card drawn (at least with this group of folks) was a way to die and hours later that was in fact the way the people died. It should also be noted that the board game was created just for this movie. It looks really old and is just wonderfully done. If I could find that prop and buy it I would.
Best line in the movie: Det. Izar: Bite me.
Nacey: All you have to do detective is ask.
The Verdict:
Not without it’s faults but not so many that it breaks the movie. The acting was actually pretty good and that was my biggest fear (that it would suck) and even more shocking was Eliza Dushku doing a real good job. I tend to find her acting stuffy and stiff. The deaths were visual for the most part and not poorly done. The story is neat and mindless. This is really one of those horror movies you watch when you want to watch one but not a super serious one.
I give this movie 3 water witches out of 5.
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Friday the 13th
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 105mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 5.5/10 (38,700+ Votes)
Director(s): Marcus Nispel
Writer(s): Damian Shannon (screenplay and story),Mark Swift (screenplay and story),Mark Wheaton (story) and Victor Miller (characters)
Plot/Synopsis:
A group of young adults discover a boarded up Camp Crystal Lake, where they soon encounter Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.
Forethought(s):
A remake * sigh * I dislike them on principle alone but people have told me how much different this is so I’ll give it a chance.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Principal photography wrapped on Friday, June 13, 2008. Additionally, the American theatrical release date was Friday, February 13, 2009.
Stars of the movie: Jared Padalecki,Amanda Righetti,Danielle Panabaker and Derek Mears
The Breakdown:
TTFK: Time To First Kill was just over 10 mintues
TTT: Time To Titty was about 10 minutes.
Now before I actually get into the movie itself there was one thing that was very weird about the movie and that’s it took 22 minutes get to the title card.
Soooo,if you’ve read any of my past reviews on remakes then you know that I dislike/hate them on principle but I have to say that this one was much different than the first Friday the 13th from the 80′s and that it wasn’t half bad.
Here are the things that are different:
1) The killer is Jason and not his mom.
2) Not much of the movie takes place at Camp Crystal Lake
3) Jason can run
4) The fodder (the young adults).
Now those four differences may not sound like much but trust me it gives the movie a whole new feel.
Things that are the same:
-
Tits. One damn fine pair. One not bad pair and one really bad boob job.
-
Some of the shots are just like in the first movie and I actually thought that was a nice nod.
-
Gore. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the 80′s flick but if I recall right, there’s about the same amount of gore and that’s a real plus since I feel more modern horror movies lack in that area.
-
Jason’s theme. They don’t over use it and when they do it’s subtle and doesn’t overpower the scene.
If you like tits and horror this would is a good flick for you. The actress who plays Bree get’s topless and while she’s wearing a shit you’ll say she seems kind of flat but when she lets those things out you’re going to say GOD DAMN! They’re big,fat,natural tits and look right on her and are fun to stare at.
My biggest issue I have with this movie is that it shot it’s load within the first 22 minutes. In those 22 minutes Jason kills a group of five other people and while it was fun to watch it just felt like the climax of the movie. Even the real climax didn’t feel as good as what was shown in the first 22.
The Verdict:
This was a decently done remake and I think this should be the archetype for remakes in the sense that they change just enough to make it feel like a new movie. It’s not scary at all unless you’re younger the age of 21. It’s worth a rent.
I give this movie 3 pairs of bloody boobs out of 5.
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Hostel Part 3
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Runtime: 88mins
Rating:Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.7/10 (4,400+ Votes)
Director(s): Scott Spiegel
Writer(s): Michael D. Weiss and Eli Roth
Plot/Synopsis:
While attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas, four friends are enticed by two sexy escorts to join them at a private party way off the Strip. Once there, they are horrified to find themselves the subjects of a perverse game of torture where members of the Elite Hunting Club are hosting the most sadistic show in town.
Forethought(s):
The Hostel movies are always good for blood and gore,so,I hope this one does not disappoint.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
This movie has a lot of firsts to it. For starters it’s the first not to be directed by Eli Roth, second it’s the first not to have had a theatrical release and third it’s the first to take place in the States.
Stars of the movie: Kip Pardue,Brian Hallisay and John Hensley
The Breakdown:
I know what you all want to know and the answer is 20 minutes (TTT or Time To Titty) yeap, it takes 20 minutes to get our first and only looks at nude breast in this movie. After that there are no naked breast,however,there are some that just have the suckables covered. Part of the fun of the first two flicks were the amount of boobs in it and this one while I think may actually have more just seems not to because they aren’t spread out enough.
Now you want to know the TTFK (Time To First Kill) don’t you? Well, you aren’t going to like the answer. It’s 60 minutes. Yes you read that right, it’s 60 minutes. That to me is unacceptable for a horror movie and more so for this series. After that there are kills at about the 69 minute mark, 71 minutes and at that point the movie is almost over. There is one final kill with just a minute left and it’s very reminiscent of a kill from Dead Alive but we don’t actually see the kill. There were three torture-ish scenes that implied death at that time but we wouldn’t find out that they were dead until much later in the movie;I could not count them as kills. Also there were only three torture scenes in this movie. Very disappointing. Not very gory when compared to the first two in the series.
While the movie has a much better concept than the first two it falls way short of what it could and should have been.
Up until the first torture scene (37 minutes in) I thought I was just watching a normal drama and then I got happy because I knew, I just knew that I was in for some brutal shit….sadly while the scene was going on I felt like I was just watching a graphic crime movie. That seems to be the running th
eme of the movie -letting me down- I wouldn’t mind so much if all the other kills were gory and distributing but they’re not. I had to remind myself that I was watching a Hostel movie due to almost none existent torture porn aspect that this franchise has come be to known by.
The acting was standard horror fare acting. The only time I really felt anyone was trying was when the actors had to be scared. The rest of the acting felt pushed and rushed.
The music in this movie helped so much. You watch any torture/kill scene with and without audio and you tell me which is better. All the music during the horror shots/scenes were instrumentals only had a lot of low, methodical slow beats when it came to the drums and just slow and soft piano stokes that sent shivers up my spine once or twice.
The Verdict:
If you’re expecting this flick to be like the first two in the series be papered to be disappointed but if you go in thinking this is just some random horror movie then you won’t be. There’s blood, some gore and some tits in it but in my book that does not count as torture porn. So if that’s the type of movie you’re looking for check elsewhere.
I give this movie 3 bloody breast out of 5.
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The Orphan Killer
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 82mins
Rating: R
IMDB Score: 4.3/10 (630+ Votes)
Director(s): Matt Farnsworth
Writer(s): Matt Farnsworth
Plot/Synopsis:
Marcus Miller is a serial murderer hellbent on teaching his estranged sister Audrey what it means to have family loyalty. His lessons are taught in massive doses of vulgar and unimaginable pain.
Forethought(s):
I’ve been reading a bit about this online and the vast majority of people seem to really hate this flick and call it beyond bad. With things like that being said I have to watch it.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
A Festival De Cine De Terror De Molins De Rei 2011 Best Film.
Stars of the movie:
Diane Foster as Audrey
David Backus as The Orphan Killer
The Breakdown:
3T(Time To Titty)=Around the 13 minute mark.
TFK(Time To First Kill)= Around the 9 minute mark.
As stated above the reason why I wanted to watch this flick was because of how bad people say it is. Well it’s not as bad as people say but it’s also no were near being good;It’s the middle of the road. I saw a lot of wasted potential and I hope the writer/director keeps working on the craft because I have no doubt he could become big,as least in the indie world.
The Good:
Visually this movie is great. It has a lot of blood,some gore and some T&A. The kills ranged from choking someone with barbed wire to just ramming a big blade through someones head and their brains fall to the floor. Arms are sawed off,skin was scribed onto,a nun giving a blow job and a scene that gave me the chills because of the sounds of flesh being ripped off of the arm of a person who was bound with barbed wire and her skin coming off like a snake shedding it’s skin.
The killer wears a neat looking leather mask that looks like it was rejected from Slipknot. It works very well.
The Bad:
The storytelling. For the longest time it’s unclear just why TOK is killing and if he is a being of supernatural power. At several points in the movie I was asking myself if he is a human killer or a killer like Jason. And it’s due to the lack of story and the way the scenes were shoot that you make you ask that. There’s just so many plot holes that the story resembles Swiss cheese.
The cam work had some nice shots like the few aerial ones of the locations they’re at or some low angle takes on the killer which made him more menacing than he really is. Overall the cam work is just poor. There are parts of scenes that you have to guess there is killing/maiming because the director of photography chose not to actually show what’s going on and that’s just baffling considering what is actually shown in the rest of the movie.
My biggest issue with this movie is sound. And no it does not suffer from softness at all,in fact,it suffers from over exaggeration of sound. Everything is right there in your face. What looks to be like soft footsteps in the movie could be heard by the def. The wiggling of door handles at times sound like the shaking of screws in a tin can. On top of that any suspense that would normally be built up in a chase scene or a torture scene was killed by the insertion of metal music right off the bat. Because of that you couldn’t get immersed in the scene. You could however bang your head to the tunes.
The Meh:
The acting. A lot of people seem to dislike the acting but it wasn’t horrible. There were a few parts that were just down right terrible and didn’t fit with what the actor was doing in an earlier part of the movie so I have guess that a few of the shots were directed by someone else or the director just loosened his reign a bit more than he should have. I can actually see Diane Foster becoming a scream queen. She’s got some lungs on her, she doesn’t seem to fear getting naked on cam and her willingness to get drenched in blood are all good signs but she needs to work on matching her characters feelings with the looks on her face.
The Verdict:
By far not the worst horror movie I have seen. Of recent horror flicks it’s the bloodiest and goriest. If there was some more polish to the finish I think this movie would have been great but as it stand it’s nothing special.
I give this flick 3 hammers to the head out of 5.
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Nude Nuns With Big Guns
Year: 2010
Genre: Action/Thriller
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 3.9/10 (3,000 + Votes)
Director(s): Joseph Guzman
Writer(s): Joseph Guzman and Robert James Hayes ll
Plot/Synopsis:
Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy.
Forethought(s):
A crazy romp with titties bouncing and lots of gun fighting.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Sister Sara is song by Alice Cooper.
Stars of the movie: Asun Ortega,David Castro and Perry D’Marco
The Breakdown:
I know everyone wants to know if the movie lives up the namesake. Yes it does. There are lots of nude nuns. Sadly not very many big guns. I’m talking actual guns….and tits. With a movie that has so much nudity you would expect that the Buck would want to fuck but what the Buck wants to do most of all is feed the nuns a few burgers. 99% of the chicks in this movie are to damn skinny. I’m talking about seeing rib cages type of skinny. There were only two or three chicks in the movie who looked healthy and those were the ones that made me want to bone. One of the chicks has tits so fake that you could run high end math equations off of those sweater puppets. If the skinny bitches thing isn’t enough of a downer,how this? 70′s bush runs rampant. Yes,not only do we get tits,we also get bush,ass and one scene with cock. Cock that will make most men sad,more so since it’s limp. This movie seems to be none thing but a series of sadness.
Enough of the body parts,Buck,we want to know about the film itself.
Fine,fine. Fair enough.
The movie itself is brilliant in idea but dull in execution. The acting by a good 85% of the actors was just down right laughable. The lead in the movie was so bad it made me want to watch exploitation flicks that knew what they were doing. Make no bones about it;this is an exploitation flick,just not a good one. I think the reason why is that it was trying to not only be an exploitation flick but also a grindhouse movie which often times were exploitation movies.
One thing that I liked and disliked at the same time was soundtrack. They had a lot of light rock/metal that was infused with traditional Mexican sounds. What I didn’t like was that EVERY scene seemed to have some type of music playing. I really don’t think there was more than two minutes of movie where there wasn’t songs playing in the background. To me that says the creators know that the movie is weak and that they were trying to amp up the emotions of the viewers by playing a lot of tuneage (I know,not a real word) and in some places it really works but few and far between.
The one thing that really pisses me off about the movie is how it ends. It ends in a way that makes it really feel like the movie was just about to start,that all that we’ve watched was nothing more than warm up. I feel like I wasted my time with this movie just on how it ended. There is no reason for a movie to end like this. They tried to pull a Kill Bill but failed. They failed because they didn’t give this movie any type of closure at all;where as Kill Bill did but still left enough open to make us want to watch the 2nd one.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Butch: You worship whores are all probably getting poked by the padre.
The Verdict:
This is a movie only a handful of people will really like and most of them are the people that were involved in the making of the film. The nakedness was no where near enough to make this movie enjoyable. The acting was pretty damn weak,the soundtrack was good was played in way to many spots and it ends like a two part TV ep. Unless you can’t find any porn online I have to say stay away from this flick.
I give this movie 2.5 decent cups out of 5.
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