Miami Connection
Year: 1987
Genre: Action/Crime
Runtime: 120mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 5.5/10 (220 votes)
Director(s): Y.K Kim and Woo-sang PArk
Writer(s): Joseph Diamand (screenplay), Y.K Kim & Woo-sang Park (stroy)
Plot/Synopsis:
A martial arts rock band goes up against a band of motorcycle ninjas who have tightened their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade.
Forethought(s):
80′s martial arts/action cheese with an over the top plot. Sign me up!
Fun Fact/Trivia:
The movie is also know as American Streetfigthers.
Stars of the movie: Y.K Kim,Vincent Hirsch and Joseph Diamand
The Breakdown:
This is hands down one of the greatest bad movies ever to grace film. At the start of the movie I really thought it was Tromas attempt at a none Troma movie with the cheese blood and bad gore. As the film progressed I knew it was just a bad flick,however,it’s one of those so bad it’s good things. There are plenty of logic holes that one could dive through, horrible A.R.D,acting that makes a lot of youtube vids look good and bouts of dialogue that will make you think THE ROOM is Shakespearean.
The worst part about this film isn’t any of the above mentioned issues but rather the lack of narrative progression and multi story-lines that don’t go anywhere. There are about handful of scenes that while are somewhat fun to watch they just should have been cut from the film in order to make it feel more polished. There’s a beach scene that felt out of place (it did have nice looking ladies) that did nothing and I mean NOTHING to progress the story at all. There was a biker scene (it had some of the most unpleasant looking ladies I’ve seen) that did not push the story forward at all and there was something that I’m guessing was sub plot that never really developed, it just felt forced in. There’s more scenes like the ones I just mentioned but I won’t go into those.
The movie opens up with typical looking 80′s drug dealers doing their thing when out of no where ninjas show up and start kicking,punching and slashing the shit out of everyone. Good start to a bad movie! Then the title sequence starts and we’re blessed with a montage of ninjas out of their gis riding some motorcycles whit flashes of the protagonist group who are Tae Kwon Do practitioners doing what Tae Kwon Do practitioners…..ALL WHLIE PLAYING IN THEIR BAND IN A CLUB to a song whose lyrics goes “..escape from Miami,escape with your life.”
Look at them, you can tell they got a lot of tail.
One of the funniest scenes is when some of the protagonists are training and the director or editor chose to use a fair amount of slow-mo. Slow-mo can be used to impart a sense of achievement or a sense of dread when used correctly but in this case it was used in such a way that I felt like I was watching a training vid. It could also be used for a what not to do segment since a lot of the punches and kicks were WAY OFF the mark.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Tom: [Tom checks out a bunch of chicks at the beach] They don’t make buns like that down at the bakery.
The Verdict:
At this point most of you have said “screw this movie, I’m not wasting my time on it.” and if all you like are blockbuster type of flicks,yeah, don’t waste your time,however,if you like movies that are corny, overacted,picks the wrong times to do slow-mo or some decent action sequences then you should give this movie a chance. It’s one of those flicks that you pop in on a Saturday afternoon with some friends toss back some beer or wine and enjoy the campiness of the film.
I know I highlighted a lot of things that would make it sound like I did not enjoy this movie but it’s quite the contrary. It’s because of all the fuck ups that make the movie enjoyable. It has a charm and innocents to it that you so rarely get. It’s not for everyone but if you’re the type of person who likes the type of stuff that use to get played on Billy Bobbs Drive In Theater then you should give this one a chance.
I give this movie 3 coked up martial artist out of 5.
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Captain Slickpants
Year: 2012
Genre: Comedy
Runtime: 95mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 8.4/10 (9 votes)
Director(s): Ben Dietels
Writer(s): Ben Dietels and Ryan Lintner
Plot/Synopsis:
Gregg Henley is an awkward and socially inept loner who secretly dreams of a relationship with Vanessa, a waitress at his favorite restaurant. When Gregg finds Vanessa’s lost wallet he takes it as a sign of fate and sets out on journey to return the wallet and confess his love.
Forethought(s):
There might be a sliver of hope for this flick since it’s an unrated comedy. 95Mins will tell.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
BPOs first full length feature film
Stars of the movie: Chris Crighton, Andrew Dietels and Ben Dietels
The Breakdown:
I both love and hate reviewing first timers attempts at full length feature flicks because they aren’t bogged down by the rules of major movie companies and are free to do what they want and how they want,however,this also leads to a lot of poor film making because they also tend to lack real experience and that shows up on the finished product.
This is a comedy movie and humor is the most subjected thing out there. What I like isn’t always going to be funny to the next person and what they find funny I may find sad. As I stated above this is an unrated comedy. After watching this I fail to see where the humor lies. I did not laugh once. I did give a slight chuckle twice but beyond that I found no laughs at all and I was looking. What I think the problem is with this film is that it’s one long ass inside joke. There’s just a bunch of parts that leave you scratching you head asking “Why is this funny?” or “There has to be more to this gag/punchline than meets the eye.” What I think the writers should do is find something who they know that doesn’t typically like their humor and have them read the script to see if it’s funny to that person. Use that has a gauge to see where they stand and what they need to fix.
The biggest gag in the movie is the when the lead (Gregg) freaks out and throws a temper tantrum,over and over and over and over over the littlest things. Think back a few years when on Youtube there was a kid who freaked out over the fact that his mom cut him from WoW and shoved a remote control up his bum while he was in his boxers and you get the idea of what the writers idea of funny is. One or two times in the right scenario is fine but more than that and you’re just beating a dead horse. I really think this movie should be trotted out as a drama because there is way more of that in the movie than there is of comedy.
Another thing I have to mention in hopes that the film maker(s) read this and take it to heart is that you DO NOT need so many extreme close ups. A lot of the time it felt like the actors weren’t even in the same shot due to all the awkward close ups. With that said the rest of the film was surprisingly well shot. There isn’t a horrible hobble that so many no budget flicks have and they had a car chase scene. It’s not high octane but it was interesting to see in a film with a budget like this and what’s more interesting is just how well it was filmed.
The acting over all was eh. The movie,much like all movies of this budget,had people that could act,people that couldn’t and people that have never been in front of a camera. The leads of the movie were over acting like it was their job and while in this movie pretty much sucked,I could see how they could be decent to good actors. I would like to see them do some more serious roles because as it’s been said before “dying is easy;comedy is hard.”
The audio was unbalanced when talking was going on onscreen but when there was off screen speaking it was crystal clear and played on both the right and left sides. The music in the movie was good. It had that indie rock/metal vibe going for it but there was one track that reminded me a lot of Tom Waits which was cool.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Diaper Dude: It’s like a swamp back there.
The Verdict:
Not a comedy in my book by any means but there are a ton of people who enjoy this style of humor;I’m just not one. The music is by far the best part of the movie. The movie just isn’t that entertaining and even at the 5$ price tag I have a hard time telling people to buy it.
I give this movie 2 dead horses out of 5.
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Hillibilly-Bob Zombie
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 72mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.4/10 (11 votes)
Director(s): Ray Basham
Writer(s): Ray Basham
Plot/Synopsis:
Hillbilly Bob makes a batch of moonshine for a family reunion party. But his shine is contaminated and turns those who drink it into zombies.
Forethought(s):
I’m thinking,corny,crappy,cheap,dirty,wrong and all around fun.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Sal Lizard is a professional real beard Santa who visits homes, appears in parades and at malls.
Stars of the movie: Sal Lizard, Brenna Roth and Danielle Webster
The Breakdown:
I’m not sure what in the hell I just watched but it sure as shit didn’t resemble much of a movie. The plot was all but missing,the story was as flaccid as I am right now,the acting was all over the place,the sound was good unless the actors were a few feet from the recording device and the visual effects were cheap (I’m talking dollar store props cheap).
With that said it was actually entertaining for the most part. There are times when you wish it would move on. I think the director should have cut about 10 minutes from this film to help with the pacing. There’s this scene that takes place in the fields that’s hosting a party and all that’s going on is bullshitting,dancing and drinking. There’s no mention of zombies or anything. The story doesn’t progress at all and I shit you not it last for around ten solid minutes.
Lets talk about the zombies for a minute. Until about 10 or maybe 15 minutes from the end of the movie you wouldn’t have guessed they were zombies. All they seemed to want to do was drink. There’s a scene where a zombie stumbles into an AM-PM with two live people in it and just shambles past them to get a beer. With the way the movie was unwrapping I actually expected the zombies to need to drink beer to live and that would have felt more at home with this movie than them feeding on flesh as they do near the end of the flick.
Not everything is piss poor in this movie. It has some funny lines,a nice looking actress (yes just one) and the cheap ass effects are charming. The one thing that was impressive was the filming. It was stable and well framed. Things weren’t in or out of shot that shouldn’t have been.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Off Screen female voice: Use your fingers to count;that’s why Jesus gave them to you.
Hillbilly Bob:I thought they were meant for something else but that’s a different story.
The Verdict:
The movie is riddled with continuity errors,visual goofs, low audio and a plethora of other first time film maker mistakes. This movie only for the very select few who enjoy low to no budget movies.
I give this movie 2 backwoods folk out of 5.
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Now before anyone bitches and moans,yes,I know that not all these films are Troma in house but they were bought by Troma so they are Troma.
Mother’s Day (1980)
Plot: Three long time friends decide to go on vacation to celebrate their tenth class reunion but their days of happiness end when a vicious psychopath who goads her boys into acts of rape and murder set their sights on the vacationers.
Why it’s a must see: It’s dark;it’s what a horror movie should be. There are scenes that will make you feel dirty. It has some interesting kills. A good amount of titties and a creepy old lady who orders he sons to kill and rape. Really messed up.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
Plot: When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren’t the only ones crying fowl! The previous tenants, fueled by a supernatural force, take “possession” of the food and those who eat it.
Why it’s a must see: It’s very much like a zombie movie if the zombies where six foot tall human supernatural chicken hybrids. It’s not scary in the least but there is a good amount of blood and gore. If you ever wondered what kind of deaths could happen in a fast food joint wonder no more since they show them here. Also boobies.
Terror Firmer (1999)
Plot: A homicidal maniac is on the loose in the city and the low budget film crew on a Troma movie have the power to stop them.
Why it’s a must see: The camp that Troma is known for flows freely in this movie. I’ll let the trailer speak for the movie. I will say that there are breast shots along with man ass and penis.
Killer Condom (1996)
Plot:New York and in the present at a Hotel called “Quicky”, a professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him but when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.
Why it’s a must see: This is a German horror/comedy/romance movie,so,you know it’s all types of messed up in that weird way that just works for original flicks. You will be laughing your ass off at the effects and design of the condom but will worry the next time you glove up!
Beware! Children at Play (1989)
Plot: The inhabitants of a small rural town whose children are disappearing at an alarming rate and whose adults are simultaneously being killed in a ritualistic fashion.
Why it’s a must see: For the fact that this is one of Troma’s most controversial titles due to the over the top finale that people call gruesome,horrendous,monstrous and just plain sick. I won’t give away the ending but even if you don’t want to see this movie I really do recommend that you try and find a clip of the end online.
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Wrong Turn 5:Bloodlines
Year: 2012
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.1/10 (1,400+ votes)
Director(s): Declan O’Brien
Writer(s): Declan O’Brien
Plot/Synopsis:
A small mining town hosts the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where crowds of costumed party-goers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But a killer celebration soon gives way to a blood-soaked feeding frenzy when an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students who are just dying for a good time
Forethought(s):
I’m expecting a fair amount of blood,guts and boobs. Not really expecting a great story or excellent acting.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Doug Bradley is both near and far sighted.
Stars of the movie: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson and Simon Ginty
Sawtooth
The Breakdown:
TTFK (Time To First Kill)= Close to six minutes.
TTT (Time To Titty)= 57 seconds.
Does the fifth part in the series bring anything new to the game? Why yes it does. New and neater killers than the last one and it has Doug Bradley as the the hillbillies father. After that it’s pretty much the same.
What are some of these neat deaths you speak of Buck? Well my Buckaroos,the kills range from simple stabbings to cooking a man alive via a makeshift steam-horse. Stabbings are neat to you Buck? They are when the Hillbillies feed you your insides. I really hope the person they fed the insides to like liver! If those aren’t neat enough about a trap that when someone opens a door an old small farming scythe rips you open from your belly button to your chest? One kill was so over the top that it looked like a persons heart was tossed out of them from their legs. Trust me you got to see that kill to believe it. The blood and there is fair amounts of it seemed to be tossed by hand using cups. It just has that feel to it and it works very well.
The dialogue in this movie was very fun and that’s due to the fact that a lot Doug Bradely’s lines are very reminiscent of those from the Hellrasier series. He even calls the Hillbillies pinheads. Other than that it’s your basic horror fare. A bunch of “Why are you doing this?” and “You’re all dead.”
The acting for the most part was god awful,hell,even Bradley slipped a few times. I was really wishing that certain characters would die first because of how bad of a job the actors were doing.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Half of whatever Doug Bradley said.
The Verdict:
A nice blood bath but with characters you just don’t care much for makes the movie at times is hard to watch but when the kills happen you’re happy you stuck it out.
I give this movie 3.5 gallons of blood out of 5.
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The Strangers
Year: 2008
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Runtime: 86mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 6.1/10 (57,000+ Votes)
Director(s): Bryan Bertino
Writer(s): Bryan Bertino
Plot/Synopsis:
A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.
Forethought(s):
I’ve been told that this is a genuinely scary movie and from the trailer it does seem creepy so my hopes are high for this flick.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Liv Tyler suffered from tonsillitis during the filming of this movie.
Stars of the movie: Scott Speedman, Liv Tyler and Gemma Ward
The Breakdown:
The story of this movie is simple. Two people are stalked and kill because they were home. That’s it. I’m even simplifying it. It’s stated in the movie that’s why the killers are doing what they’re doing.
I have to say the first 20-25 minutes are in fact edge of the seat worthy. The way they build up suspense with audio subtle cues and never knowing who or when something is going to happen. Sadly, all that is lost once the 30 minute mark rolls around. At that point they reveal who the strangers are;giving face to what was once a faceless scare takes all the scare out of things.
One other thing I really liked about the film was that we never actually saw the faces of the killers. Sure we kinda saw the face of Dollface early on in the film but it was covered by shadows so unless you turn up the contrast you aren’t going to know what she looks like. Even near the of the movie when the killers remove their masks we never see their faces. I’m not sure why they did this but it worked.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Kristen: Why are you doing this?
Dollface: Because you were home.
The Verdict:
The movie moves along a the right pace and the first 1/3rd-ish of the movie is some of the best arm gripping movie making I’ve seen in a while. Other than that it’s just O.K but I do feel that the first 20-25 minutes of the movie makes it worth watching.
I give this movie 3.5 packs out of 5.
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Friday the 13th
Year: 2009
Genre: Horror
Runtime: 105mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 5.5/10 (38,700+ Votes)
Director(s): Marcus Nispel
Writer(s): Damian Shannon (screenplay and story),Mark Swift (screenplay and story),Mark Wheaton (story) and Victor Miller (characters)
Plot/Synopsis:
A group of young adults discover a boarded up Camp Crystal Lake, where they soon encounter Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.
Forethought(s):
A remake * sigh * I dislike them on principle alone but people have told me how much different this is so I’ll give it a chance.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Principal photography wrapped on Friday, June 13, 2008. Additionally, the American theatrical release date was Friday, February 13, 2009.
Stars of the movie: Jared Padalecki,Amanda Righetti,Danielle Panabaker and Derek Mears
The Breakdown:
TTFK: Time To First Kill was just over 10 mintues
TTT: Time To Titty was about 10 minutes.
Now before I actually get into the movie itself there was one thing that was very weird about the movie and that’s it took 22 minutes get to the title card.
Soooo,if you’ve read any of my past reviews on remakes then you know that I dislike/hate them on principle but I have to say that this one was much different than the first Friday the 13th from the 80′s and that it wasn’t half bad.
Here are the things that are different:
1) The killer is Jason and not his mom.
2) Not much of the movie takes place at Camp Crystal Lake
3) Jason can run
4) The fodder (the young adults).
Now those four differences may not sound like much but trust me it gives the movie a whole new feel.
Things that are the same:
-
Tits. One damn fine pair. One not bad pair and one really bad boob job.
-
Some of the shots are just like in the first movie and I actually thought that was a nice nod.
-
Gore. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the 80′s flick but if I recall right, there’s about the same amount of gore and that’s a real plus since I feel more modern horror movies lack in that area.
-
Jason’s theme. They don’t over use it and when they do it’s subtle and doesn’t overpower the scene.
If you like tits and horror this would is a good flick for you. The actress who plays Bree get’s topless and while she’s wearing a shit you’ll say she seems kind of flat but when she lets those things out you’re going to say GOD DAMN! They’re big,fat,natural tits and look right on her and are fun to stare at.
My biggest issue I have with this movie is that it shot it’s load within the first 22 minutes. In those 22 minutes Jason kills a group of five other people and while it was fun to watch it just felt like the climax of the movie. Even the real climax didn’t feel as good as what was shown in the first 22.
The Verdict:
This was a decently done remake and I think this should be the archetype for remakes in the sense that they change just enough to make it feel like a new movie. It’s not scary at all unless you’re younger the age of 21. It’s worth a rent.
I give this movie 3 pairs of bloody boobs out of 5.
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Hostel Part 3
Year: 2011
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Runtime: 88mins
Rating:Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.7/10 (4,400+ Votes)
Director(s): Scott Spiegel
Writer(s): Michael D. Weiss and Eli Roth
Plot/Synopsis:
While attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas, four friends are enticed by two sexy escorts to join them at a private party way off the Strip. Once there, they are horrified to find themselves the subjects of a perverse game of torture where members of the Elite Hunting Club are hosting the most sadistic show in town.
Forethought(s):
The Hostel movies are always good for blood and gore,so,I hope this one does not disappoint.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
This movie has a lot of firsts to it. For starters it’s the first not to be directed by Eli Roth, second it’s the first not to have had a theatrical release and third it’s the first to take place in the States.
Stars of the movie: Kip Pardue,Brian Hallisay and John Hensley
The Breakdown:
I know what you all want to know and the answer is 20 minutes (TTT or Time To Titty) yeap, it takes 20 minutes to get our first and only looks at nude breast in this movie. After that there are no naked breast,however,there are some that just have the suckables covered. Part of the fun of the first two flicks were the amount of boobs in it and this one while I think may actually have more just seems not to because they aren’t spread out enough.
Now you want to know the TTFK (Time To First Kill) don’t you? Well, you aren’t going to like the answer. It’s 60 minutes. Yes you read that right, it’s 60 minutes. That to me is unacceptable for a horror movie and more so for this series. After that there are kills at about the 69 minute mark, 71 minutes and at that point the movie is almost over. There is one final kill with just a minute left and it’s very reminiscent of a kill from Dead Alive but we don’t actually see the kill. There were three torture-ish scenes that implied death at that time but we wouldn’t find out that they were dead until much later in the movie;I could not count them as kills. Also there were only three torture scenes in this movie. Very disappointing. Not very gory when compared to the first two in the series.
While the movie has a much better concept than the first two it falls way short of what it could and should have been.
Up until the first torture scene (37 minutes in) I thought I was just watching a normal drama and then I got happy because I knew, I just knew that I was in for some brutal shit….sadly while the scene was going on I felt like I was just watching a graphic crime movie. That seems to be the running th
eme of the movie -letting me down- I wouldn’t mind so much if all the other kills were gory and distributing but they’re not. I had to remind myself that I was watching a Hostel movie due to almost none existent torture porn aspect that this franchise has come be to known by.
The acting was standard horror fare acting. The only time I really felt anyone was trying was when the actors had to be scared. The rest of the acting felt pushed and rushed.
The music in this movie helped so much. You watch any torture/kill scene with and without audio and you tell me which is better. All the music during the horror shots/scenes were instrumentals only had a lot of low, methodical slow beats when it came to the drums and just slow and soft piano stokes that sent shivers up my spine once or twice.
The Verdict:
If you’re expecting this flick to be like the first two in the series be papered to be disappointed but if you go in thinking this is just some random horror movie then you won’t be. There’s blood, some gore and some tits in it but in my book that does not count as torture porn. So if that’s the type of movie you’re looking for check elsewhere.
I give this movie 3 bloody breast out of 5.
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Last House In The Woods
Year: 2006
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Runtime: 85mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 4.8/10 (500+ Votes)
Director(s): Gabriele Albanesi
Writer(s): Gabriele Albanesi
Plot/Synopsis:
A young couple gets beat up by some punks and are saved by a seemingly nice older couple who takes the couple back to the house of the older couple;While there, the wounded woman begins to realize that some frightening things are occurring at the last house in the woods.
Forethought(s):
Looks bloody but very cheaply done. Maybe I’ll like it for the cheapness.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Chas Balun called this the goriest Italian horror movie in years.
Stars of the movie: Daniela Virgilio,Gennaro Diana and Santa De Santis
The Breakdown:
TTT (Time To Titty) = No titty.
TTFK/D (Time To First Kill/Death) = 1min 50sec.
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Why, do you ask? For the following reasons: continuity issues,inadequate lighting,poor audio quality and kinda poor acting. I’m gonna now brake down each of the issues.
Continuity issues: There are scenes in the movie where it goes from dust to night to day all in a matter of seconds with no mention of time passing in the movie,oh and it’s the same shot. So, think of this, a person in the woods just standing there while it’s light out and all of sudden it’s dark and then it’s noon and then it 8pm. There was one part where someone was going to use a chainsaw to cut off a dudes left leg and as that was happening we get an close up of the victims face but when the camera pulls back it’s the right arm of the guy that is missing! How did no one see this in the dailies?
Inadequate lighting: I hope you don’t mind adjusting the brightness and contrast while you watch a movie because you will be doing that a few times in this movie. There are scenes so poorly lit that you can’t see what’s going on. I’m sure some of you are saying that’s not a big deal but guess what, it is! This is a horror movie that is “gory” but we can’t make out what’s going on because the crew didn’t know how to light the set. In contrast there are scenes that are blown out to the point where you’re going to ask yourself if anyone has ever used lights in their life.
Poor audio quality: Normally for my set up I have my volume at 12-15 and that’s plenty loud to hear what’s going on but not with this movie. Guess what I had to have my volume at…go a head,guess,I’ll wait. If you said 30 you were wrong,40,still wrong! The correct answer is 54. Anything under 50 for my set up made for strenuous listening with this flick.
Kinda poor acting: I say kinda poor since I watched it with dubbing and as anyone who’s watched a dubbed movie knows that expressions don’t always match up with what is being heard. I’m not going to be to hard on the acting since I did watch it dubbed but there are times where the voice work doesn’t really seem to fit what is being visually said by the body.
I know people are wondering about the gore so I will say that it gave a sense of being really gory but that’s only because it didn’t start until the 47min mark and all the blood and guts were piled into just a few scenes. If the gore was spread throughout the movie it wouldn’t be much more gory than any other gore film;at least I think so.
The Verdict:
This really is one big waste of time. I can’t even tell horror heads to watch it.
I give this movie 1 light bulb out of 5.
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Nude Nuns With Big Guns
Year: 2010
Genre: Action/Thriller
Runtime: 90mins
Rating: Unrated
IMDB Score: 3.9/10 (3,000 + Votes)
Director(s): Joseph Guzman
Writer(s): Joseph Guzman and Robert James Hayes ll
Plot/Synopsis:
Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy.
Forethought(s):
A crazy romp with titties bouncing and lots of gun fighting.
Fun Fact/Trivia:
Sister Sara is song by Alice Cooper.
Stars of the movie: Asun Ortega,David Castro and Perry D’Marco
The Breakdown:
I know everyone wants to know if the movie lives up the namesake. Yes it does. There are lots of nude nuns. Sadly not very many big guns. I’m talking actual guns….and tits. With a movie that has so much nudity you would expect that the Buck would want to fuck but what the Buck wants to do most of all is feed the nuns a few burgers. 99% of the chicks in this movie are to damn skinny. I’m talking about seeing rib cages type of skinny. There were only two or three chicks in the movie who looked healthy and those were the ones that made me want to bone. One of the chicks has tits so fake that you could run high end math equations off of those sweater puppets. If the skinny bitches thing isn’t enough of a downer,how this? 70′s bush runs rampant. Yes,not only do we get tits,we also get bush,ass and one scene with cock. Cock that will make most men sad,more so since it’s limp. This movie seems to be none thing but a series of sadness.
Enough of the body parts,Buck,we want to know about the film itself.
Fine,fine. Fair enough.
The movie itself is brilliant in idea but dull in execution. The acting by a good 85% of the actors was just down right laughable. The lead in the movie was so bad it made me want to watch exploitation flicks that knew what they were doing. Make no bones about it;this is an exploitation flick,just not a good one. I think the reason why is that it was trying to not only be an exploitation flick but also a grindhouse movie which often times were exploitation movies.
One thing that I liked and disliked at the same time was soundtrack. They had a lot of light rock/metal that was infused with traditional Mexican sounds. What I didn’t like was that EVERY scene seemed to have some type of music playing. I really don’t think there was more than two minutes of movie where there wasn’t songs playing in the background. To me that says the creators know that the movie is weak and that they were trying to amp up the emotions of the viewers by playing a lot of tuneage (I know,not a real word) and in some places it really works but few and far between.
The one thing that really pisses me off about the movie is how it ends. It ends in a way that makes it really feel like the movie was just about to start,that all that we’ve watched was nothing more than warm up. I feel like I wasted my time with this movie just on how it ended. There is no reason for a movie to end like this. They tried to pull a Kill Bill but failed. They failed because they didn’t give this movie any type of closure at all;where as Kill Bill did but still left enough open to make us want to watch the 2nd one.
Best line/exchange in the movie:
Butch: You worship whores are all probably getting poked by the padre.
The Verdict:
This is a movie only a handful of people will really like and most of them are the people that were involved in the making of the film. The nakedness was no where near enough to make this movie enjoyable. The acting was pretty damn weak,the soundtrack was good was played in way to many spots and it ends like a two part TV ep. Unless you can’t find any porn online I have to say stay away from this flick.
I give this movie 2.5 decent cups out of 5.
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